You're Scared.
I'm scared.
We are all scared.
Whether we are aware of it or not, like the subtle buzz of a neon light, there is quiet hum of fear active and at play in each of our lives right now and for the foreseeable future.
These fears might be coming from a concern of ourselves or a loved one catching the virus or from economic uncertainty, it could be coming from the stress being placed on relationships or from countless other places that might be setting this off. There is no doubt the feelings you and I are experiencing are very real and should be taken seriously.
What we build on our fears with, on the other hand, might not be.
Like many of you, growing up I would get scared at night - who am I kidding I still get scared at night. From the shadows in my room that seemed to hold some thing within, a random creek in the house, or the replaying of some scene from that scary movie will run through my head in an all too vivid of a manner. In each of these, my imagination would go nuts causing me to believe there was an intruder behind the door or some demon that was lurking and waiting to find the right opportunity to possess me.
The unknown would get the best of me.
So to this day, when those feelings stir, I get out of bed and look. Though in my heart I'm a pacifist, my fist is still clinched ready to respond, to fight. And you know what happens as soon as I open the door?
Reality tempers my imagination. My heart slows, my hands relax.
This pandemic and Great Disruption are very real, so please do not read this as me saying that it is not. But the unknown causes our imaginations to run wild. Our isolation is working but the cost of it has us has many clinging to information that often affirms or engages that fear that is just beneath the surface.
It does this in various ways... by us disregarding actual experts or embracing the word of an individual just because they sound credible. Or it's that conspiracy theory that we might normally be able to see through it's absurdity, all of a sudden we find ourselves exposing and defending. Our fear turns to outrage because it provides some thing tangible we can grasp onto...
because the unknown gets the best of us.
So what can we do as we are all navigating our way through this trauma?*
For me, I have had actively reclaim wonder. And by actively, I mean exhaustively strive after it. Outrage and disgust (with a side of self-righteousness) seem to be a default response my fears have clung to that I must confront. This is not to say there aren't times where those responses are not appropriate but I don't believe that should be guiding my engagement (ex. when our elected officials or community leaders fail in their responsibility to communicate and engage the situation in a manner that protects the well-being of all individuals, we must call it out and demand better).
Seeking after wonder for me is like having the courage to get out of bed, opening the door to the unknown, and being will to engage whatever I might find behind it. It has meant lots of self-reflection on why a post by that guy from high school got under my skin so much. It has meant fact checking, not to disprove necessarily but to ground myself in the reality beyond my bias and preference. It has meant when engaging another, remembering they are also just as scared and are living from that reality and offering grace... again and again and again and again. It also has meant knowing and naming my boundaries with people and with the news cycle.
A majority of the time, I haven't done this well - Megan can attest to that - but when I have the fear I have has seemed to move to it's proper place and the unknown doesn't scare me as much.
And that's been a small step I'm taking so that the unknown doesn't get the best of me.
What about you? How you have engaged your fear?
* I hope it goes without saying that in the days, weeks, months, and yes even years to follow, in addition to listening to the experts in their respective fields for how we proceed as a society, we must also lean into the guidance of trauma therapists and specialists will be even more important as we regain our bearings.