We are all lonely people
As a pastor, I have been privileged to walk along side so many individuals as their lives have continued to unfold. It has provided a unique commentary on my own journey as I see parallels in all our stories. Seeing lives transition and the implications of these transitions on who we are, the community, and how we choose to navigate it all can hit all over the scale of emotion and inspiration.
However we want to label these transitions, stages, or seasons of life - we are all constantly responding to them.
It is often in hindsight or as we move further down the road of life that we are able to see our responses to these changes. Among the many things that change over time is that of our relational circles and networks - most dramatically at two points: the graduation of high school and the completion of college. In these times we see the 'watering holes' of life alter, seemingly dry up, or become smaller and smaller. Many of us are confronted with questions of who are we outside of these markers and how then do we fulfill the void of community, belonging, and love that has somehow changed.
It is as if we seem to intrinsically know what South Africans call 'ubuntu' - loosely understood as 'I am because we are'. That there is some thing about community that simultaneously shapes us and the greater whole.
This is not some new phenomenon. From the very beginning we're told that it was not good for us to be alone. We discover that even if we have perfect union with the Divine that somehow - we were made for each other. Sure, it is easy to take this to thoughts on marriage - but maybe we've missed the mark. Maybe we need to remember the connection we have with all of humanity.
In the midst of darkness and struggling with depression Henri Nouwen wrote:
Your own growth cannot take place without growth in others. You are part of a body. When you change, the whole body changes. It is very important for you to remain deeply connected with the larger community to which you belong.
We lose sight of this and in the mist of transition we often brush up against the deep fear that we are alone. Depending how we engage this fear, at some point we experience a deep loneliness. But here's the dirty little secret:
We are all lonely people.
It's true. And it's ok. We do need each other - we are meant to be co-dependant. We need to acknowledge this and not bring the baggage with us that there is some thing shameful in expressing that. Many dangers can come when we repress this or misplace where this need to be seen and known should be fulfilled. We can resort to attempting to have our loneliness filled by another through romantic relationships and physical desires, or even numb and deflect the pain through altering our state of mind. As many who are in the midst of the transitions ultimately discover, these ways do not resolve and they bring harm to ourselves and others because we believed the lie that we can exist on our own, looking out solely for our own needs.
But we can't.
Yet there is hope. Even though our watering holes have changed, even though we might feel isolated; there are people who care deeply for us - a community, our family and friends. It's time to lean into them and not the empty ways we distract ourselves. It means humbling ourselves and asking the community to hold us or as a mentor once said 'to believe for us when no longer believe; have faith when we are faithless'; because I am because we are.Nouwen later reminds us that:
When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connect with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people.
May we strive after this communion together.