The Secret of Every Successful Relationship
Subtitle: A response of sorts to a certain list of 10 types of people you shouldn't marry.
Before we go to much further, let me quote Mike Foster from his book Gracenomoics as a quick response to those lists:
In his best-selling book, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Author Malcolm Gladwell encourages readers to use a technique called “thin slicing” to quickly gauge what is important based on gut instinct.
Thin slicing may come in handy in some scenarios, but I’m not convinced it’s a good philosophy for approaching people.
Our first impressions are often bigoted and prejudiced. And that squishy little sponge in our cranium can be easily tricked into drawing the wrong conclusions.
Take the first time I met my wife. I totally “thin sliced” her. She walked into an event I was at accompanied by a well-known Don Juan type. I was instantly convinced she was a “blonde floozy” with subpar morals. 5 years later I married her. This year we celebrated our 15th anniversary together.
My “blink” was dead wrong.
And now, to give you the answer to what you've all been wondering - what is the secret of every successful relationship?Grace.Yes, it's that simple.
From marriages to friendships, to those you work with or to your quick interactions with the barista at the local cafe.
Grace.
Grace is the answer that makes any of those relationship work well. To boil a person down to simply one action, circumstance, or category is to miss the complexity of a person and their life entirely. The labels we place on others will always fail.One event can change the trajectory of a life but it does not define who a person is. This is not to say we should disregard those snap judgements, because they are important and often they keep us out of bad situations or relationships. Though too often they keep us from really seeing and valuing a person. And as a person of faith, I constantly reminded that though we often may wander; God called us 'very good' - a claim that is continually affirmed by Christ's willingness to pay the greatest price for us all (Isaiah 53:4-6, Romans 5:1-11). That is grace.Without grace we become people who place unhealthy expectations on others. Expectations that are simply projections of what we desire to gain for ourselves. Our expectations can deceive us, because often they reflect our need for life to work out in our favor - so every person we come into contact must in some way, serve us.
Grace says, it's not about me but about another.
Grace says yes there is hurt we are going to experience but that hurt does not define them or you.
Grace says that thing you did - it doesn't get the last word.
Grace says there's always a second chance.
And there's more! When we extend grace to others it sets them free! And in the midst of that action it actually set ourselves free!
Grace allows us to be honest about own past, our own struggles - because we long for that don't we?
What we long for, what we really want, is someone who will see our best and our worst - and still want to be with us. _Kristen and Rob Bell
Lists of qualities we hope our potential mate might have are good, but once we encounter that individual we discover that those lists could never encompass the beautiful complexity that is found in each person.
May grace find you today.
Grace and peace to you.