The Accidental Heretic

Sundays and Wednesdays. Like many others, this was the rhythm of faith in my formative years - from the firm prompting of my parents, to later going on Wednesday nights to potentially find a significant other. Needless to say, the latter was never found but some thing else had been. Through conversations, the service projects and camps, and even through some of the teachings I heard – I encountered some thing.

I encountered God.For some, this encounter blinds or throws them to the ground – both figuratively and literally – it is an event that can forever change the trajectory of one's life. Maybe it is just how I choose to recall and narrate my past, but my encounter simply affirmed what was always there – God’s presence, even if I did not recognize it prior.

Not much changed after, I didn’t become super charged on faith. I didn’t throw out all my secular influences (though unfortunately that came later in my story and I still wish I had those Rage Against the Machine CD's). I kept living the life I had been living prior - full of the typical decisions of a teenager growing into their own skin.  As I transitioned into college, I wondered, like many - who was I? Who’s was I? I learned to numb the pain and the struggle.

And yet God was still… there.

After a year of this, I embarked on a journey that busted me out of my Midwestern church experience and into a crash course of the charismatic and ultra-conservative sides of our faith. And I’ll admit, at the time, it was really good for me. I was able to name and rest in who God had made me to be and who God was in ways I had never done so before. And I began to step into that.

And that is what I have continued to do – at times stumbling and other times leaping forward.

I would like to say it has been smooth sailing since but that wouldn’t be real life-which is full of both celebrations and struggles. Though I don’t align myself with the streams of thought that I had encountered in my younger days, I’m grateful for them.

The call to join, to pastor, and to work with youth and young adults was continually being affirmed in my life and led me to take a job as youth pastor at a small church. But after nearly 2 years, the unhealthy combination of my youthful ambition and unexpressed expectations – pushed me to recognize that, even though I deeply cared for the students, that to continue on there would end up taking more of myself than I could give. This difficult realization had me packing my bags and as I walked out the door the last words the lead pastor choose to leave me with were:

‘Don’t forget historic, orthodox Christianity’

To this day, I am still unpacking what this statement might mean. Did he believe that I was that far off the reservation? Was my willingness to allow my students to struggle and articulate doubt causing pain or frustration that I was unaware of?

Depending on what part of the country, what denomination, what individual I engage I can be placed on varying places in the diverse stream of faith we share– but never have I thought of myself as out of the tribe – as I believe our faith can hold a large diversity of thought.

A 3 year tail spin began as I moved to a community that spoke a common language, that allowed me to wrestle with this experience and to heal. I realized I wasn’t alone, I realized that doubt is not counter to faith but a critical part of it.I was reminded that God was still present, still near.

The time came to make the next right step in life and starting seminary was that step. As I entered my studies I was confronted by classmates for the community that I was part of and for listening to reading certain Christian thinkers.

The attacks were much more pointed.Even though I affirm and support the Creeds of our faith, the Divine and the personhood of Christ, and what His life, death, resurrection, and ascension did in and for us. In their eyes, I was somehow not a follower of Christ - I was a heretic. Instead of being shown grace, I was damned – making me wonder if this were only a few hundred years prior might these individuals want to have me burned on a stake?

Needless to say, I transferred seminaries.

A pastor of mine once said, don’t set out to be controversial. But as I continue to discover, that when we set out to truly embody the message of Christ – to put flesh and blood to things such as the radical and scandalous love, hope, peace, patience and grace of God– we can’t help but be controversial.

So if that makes me a heretic, I join a long line of heretics genuinely seeking after Christ, and to bring His kingdom to the here and now.

And maybe you are too.

But remember you’re not alone.