As I watched the opening ceremony and all that has followed, connections were made in my mind to a passage from the book of Acts. There we are told of an individual named Paul, who speaks to a group of people about the deep truths of life and faith using images familiar to the audience and culture he was in.
If a woman was being belittled and abused and gaslight about the abuse, and the abuser used nice Christian terms to excuse the abuse, how would you advise the person being abused?
Steve, thanks for taking the time to engage and the great question.
Admittedly, my posts brevity doesn’t address the nuances or particularities of how this might look in practice and attempted to speak more to the reactive outrage I have seen many folks of faith take before seeking understanding. Additionally, there is a temptation to make our responses formulaic in nature (‘x’ happens, do ‘y’) and boiling down life into a binary or dualism. Though this temptation can provide a comfort, I would argue is more often problematic at best, often providing justification for actions are ultimately harmful and does not engage fully the uniqueness of situations and individuals involved.
To respond – not answer – your question begins with a disclaimer that I am not professional therapist or counselor so my perspective comes only from my pastoral training/experience and as a abuse survivor myself. My advise to a person being abused begins and ends with empathy and empowerment. The task is to join with the abused as they navigate the abusive relationship to affirm the reality they are in the midst. In the situation you outline, this would be by shining a light on how no matter the amount of ‘lipstick you put on the pig’ of abuse with Christianese and harmful theological frameworks – it is still abuse and is not right. Period.
Let me acknowledge again that there is not one path for everyone who has experienced abuse so there is also not just one piece of advice or guidance that will work.
A next step after this is would be to empower the individual to seek resources and safety for themselves, this means both personally and within the relationship. Let me be very clear again, no person should or must stay in an abusive relationship. This can mean an ending of the relationship, extremely strong boundaries for engaging, or it can mean the slow reconciling of it – the abused party gets to decide this, not the abuser. It is also important to note that even if an abuser does the slow work in unlearning their abusive behaviors and mending relationships broken by the abuse caused by their actions – there are still consequences to their actions and some of those may be legal that the abuser must take accountability for.
Would love to know how you would answer the same question.
If a woman was being belittled and abused and gaslight about the abuse, and the abuser used nice Christian terms to excuse the abuse, how would you advise the person being abused?
Steve, thanks for taking the time to engage and the great question.
Admittedly, my posts brevity doesn’t address the nuances or particularities of how this might look in practice and attempted to speak more to the reactive outrage I have seen many folks of faith take before seeking understanding. Additionally, there is a temptation to make our responses formulaic in nature (‘x’ happens, do ‘y’) and boiling down life into a binary or dualism. Though this temptation can provide a comfort, I would argue is more often problematic at best, often providing justification for actions are ultimately harmful and does not engage fully the uniqueness of situations and individuals involved.
To respond – not answer – your question begins with a disclaimer that I am not professional therapist or counselor so my perspective comes only from my pastoral training/experience and as a abuse survivor myself. My advise to a person being abused begins and ends with empathy and empowerment. The task is to join with the abused as they navigate the abusive relationship to affirm the reality they are in the midst. In the situation you outline, this would be by shining a light on how no matter the amount of ‘lipstick you put on the pig’ of abuse with Christianese and harmful theological frameworks – it is still abuse and is not right. Period.
Let me acknowledge again that there is not one path for everyone who has experienced abuse so there is also not just one piece of advice or guidance that will work.
A next step after this is would be to empower the individual to seek resources and safety for themselves, this means both personally and within the relationship. Let me be very clear again, no person should or must stay in an abusive relationship. This can mean an ending of the relationship, extremely strong boundaries for engaging, or it can mean the slow reconciling of it – the abused party gets to decide this, not the abuser. It is also important to note that even if an abuser does the slow work in unlearning their abusive behaviors and mending relationships broken by the abuse caused by their actions – there are still consequences to their actions and some of those may be legal that the abuser must take accountability for.
Would love to know how you would answer the same question.