Expectations

A Garden State Kind of Story

One of my favorite movies is Garden State. Most of you are probably familiar with this film but if you're not, there really isn't a good way to describe it so I'll call it a 'coming-of-self' film.

In the film, Andrew Largeman returns home upon the sudden death of his paralyzed mother. What then ensues has us follow protagonist over the next few days back as we see him interact with old friends and unexpectedly falling in love.  Towards the climax of the film we see Largemen, who has been on some form of depressant as prescribed by his psychiatrist father from shortly after an event as a child where he pushed his mother causing her injury, confront his father about the expectations that have driven them apart, in many different ways. Below is the transcript of the exchange between Largeman (AL) and his father (GL):

GL: I'm sure you could find lots of things in your life that you could be angry about. But what I do not understand is why you are so angry at me? All I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy again. That's all I ever wanted.

AL: When were we ever happy, Dad? You always say that, but when was this time that you have in your mind that we were all so happy? I don't have it in my memory, maybe if I did I could help steer us back there.You and I need to work on being ok if that's not in the cards for us.

GL: Well, we might have at shot at it... if you can forgive yourself for you what you did.

AL: What I did? What I did? Let's do it, I'm going to forgive myself for what I did. Ready? I was a little boy and somebody made a bad latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely numb. I have felt so numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.

GL: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?

AL: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.

Being at seminary is much like when one has an extremely transforming experience only when to return to any sort of normalcy, encounter frustration and let down. Most seminarians have a passionate desire for the world around them and hope that the individuals they engage in ministry settings to have just as much excitement for diving into the Text or theological concept as they do.

So programs, curriculum and events are organized to hopefully foster this.  Success then varies, often with language of 'going deeper' or 'higher standards' or 'making disciples' mixed in there to to evaluate the success or failure.  Rarely are there avenues for feedback made or established - often any negative feedback (unless seen is mass) is dismissed as an outlier.  The reality is often the very group the person is hoping to engage was never consulted prior to launch.

A harsh truth within the church (but not isolated to) is that as leaders, we develop things that we are passionate about - we develop the programs we wish we had or cater to our learning style and preference. Some of this is unavoidable, the danger is when we don't have the self-awareness to acknowledge it.  Then as things develop, expectations and hopes of what the outcome of these programs or relationships begin to enter our minds as we start striving to 'get back to' or 'move towards' a reality no one had ever actually experienced.

There is an art to vision, but that process doesn't start with taking a step but rather standing with the community and listening. If not, we run the risk of preventing individuals from living their true lives (something Jesus seemed pretty interested in) because we've tried to convince them that only lives like [insert trait, profession, calling, etc.] matter and whatever lies deep within them is somehow 'less' important.

For some, an in-depth inductive Bible study is exactly what they want, need and desire. For others simply being able to share a meal or a cup of coffee once a week and having someone truly listen helps. And for others, simply being the presence of a faith community when they feel they have lost or are losing their faith, brings them comfort.  These things can not often be measured for success but no doubt play a critical role in what church should really be about - helping people be fully present in the life God has them in.  This then helps us all put forth realistic and honest expectations.

Maybe Andrew Largeman was speaking a prophetic word to us, the Church... that 'for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better.'