A Day I Failed (but still Passed)

Throughout our lives we have markers of important moments - firsts and lasts, completions, successes, and failures alike. From the first tooth to graduations, to first jobs and that last, first kiss, to countless other things we remember and often celebrate in various ways.

For many individuals, one of the markers of faith they have is their baptism. For some this was an unwilling event that occurred as a child and for others is was a moment where they proclaimed faith as their own for the first time.  Those who grew up in former, in communities of faith where baptism happened when they were infants, the marker later in life was that of confirmation or proclamation of faith. It was a time where they were taught the foundational blocks of faith - who God is, who Jesus is, who humanity is, and what does it all mean.

[Now, I'll save any commentary I have on this process and how when done poorly links belief in Christ simply with head knowledge rather than a faith in Christ that transformations the heart for later. But let's just say I've thought much about this]

When my time came to start confirmation I was excited like many my age. Yet since memorization has never been a forte of mine, nor was some thing I liked to be doing when I could be outside exploring or playing sports or simply being with friends that excitement quickly left as I realized it was a 3 year process at my church.

Over the course those years, I went to the classes on Wednesdays, attended the retreats, and helped out during the church services as was required. At the end of that, as I was set to go into the final evaluation with the youth pastor I knew one thing: I knew the faith, but I didn't believe the faith. As a 9th grader it was hard to know how that would play out if I was going to be honest about that. To all of those involved it was a foregone conclusion that I'd be confirmed a few weeks following this meeting. Somehow I mustered up the courage to tell the youth pastor that I had doubts. That I knew what she wanted me to say but I just couldn't say it.

There was a bit of silence. Time moved slowly as she took a breath and said "That's ok..."

Wait, what?!? That was ok? My mind spun as I had no idea how to receive that response. From my perspective I had pretty much said I didn't believe and she was fine with that.S

he continued on "... it's ok to have doubts, I have doubts. But that's what the beauty of being part of the church  is - it's a bunch of people who are united by Christ and supporting each other as we figure it out."

The conversation continued on and we talked about what I had learned but much of that latter part is a blur. Then as I left she told me that I'd be confirmed and to keep searching, keep exploring, and know I wasn't alone. And a week or so later I was confirmed.

Now, it would be easy for us to throw this youth pastor under the bus for what she said because it has the potential to be problematic in a youth's development especially in regards to their faith.  Looking back on this interaction, I can clearly see how it influenced my view of God and the relationship the Divine has with it's creation; and there is a deep beauty and need for more of that in the world from my perspective. The message the youth pastor was telling me was simple:

Though you might not feel that you have it all together, God accepts you as you are. His people, the church, accept you where you are at. You belong.

That's some good news there.

I failed confirmation. Heck, I might still fail confirmation if you ask me to reference some thing specifically. Yet I think it's safe to say I passed. This youth pastor's gift of reminding me that I belong regardless of what state I found myself in has allowed me to venture and explore the faith that I hold in a very unique way even today.We live in a culture that says failure must be avoided at all costs. To avoid the pain or confusion that can be encountered there. There is no shame in failure, shame only comes when we try to hide confusion, the doubt, or the ways we feel we have fallen short.  As followers of Christ we are invited to be open and true to who God created us to be, to own where we are at, how we have succeeded AND how we have fallen short, to name our struggles and the ways we know we need to grow.

The trick in all of that is to always remember, you belong just as you are.